Hello again internet friends (and its the end of 2013)

Hello people of the internet.


I am here to say that I am very sorry for being away for such a long time.


The thing is… my 3D (real) life got very busy.

I think, In order the following things happened:

  • got fired from  my customer service job
  • had a crazy busy prac assignment (by the way I was studying to be an esl teacher)
  • got a job being a substitute esl teacher
  • got a second temporary but fulltime job being an esl teacher
  • had some international job applications, failed or stuffed up most of them… but still kept going
  • started to deal with moving out, bills, moving truck and going back to my parents place… wow, I am such an adult.
  • kept working, some of it full time, some of it not
  • managed to finish my study… I was really freaking out and feeling like it just wasn’t possible.
  • GRADUATED AND HAD A CEREMONY… I now have my first post grad certificate.
  • also, survived another family Christmas without too much fuss.

SO HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL OF YOU, I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOUR WINTER OR SUMMER, AND YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEARS. I am having a spectacular time, drinking cider, eating pizza and watching bad syfy shows on my computer.


Hopefully their will be big things to come in 2014… I will have to move home for a month or two, but I should have a job working overseas… so this might become a blog about life in Indonesia, or South Korea… or somewhere equally exciting.

I still have several more ideas from 2013 that I need to put into this blog. I am saving some info from my doctor that I want to write about, and I have a great idea ‘top 5 movies to watch when you are depressed or very very numb.’ …because I am a bit of an expert on escaping through the medium of the silver screen.

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Anxiety super hero?

Anxiety super hero?

I stole this picture from here: http://theascentblog.com/the-anxiety-lens/

It’s a nice picture.

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On Tuesday I ha…

On Tuesday I had a new job interview, I was so pent up with nerves that I decided to release by “controlling a situation” and cancelling the next two appointments with my psychologist.

I know, not the best idea, but its what I did. If anybody has any handy tips or hints on things I could have done, or should have done, then please comment.

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Pride is like thanksgiving for gay people!


It’s Friday night and I am at home and watching Julie/Julia on TV. I am feeling strangely motivated by watching Amy Adam’s fake blogging. AND guess what! tomorrow is pride day!!!!

I am so very excited. I bought a t shirt from the internet (6 months ago) and I got my hair cut (these guys are my favourite and they have been doing my hair for years. I am often the only girl in the shop.) I am normally very bad at dealing with crowds and navigating them without ‘doing the wrong thing’ or ‘getting in the way.’ I put it in “” marks because I am probably not doing those things, even if I am very worried.

Anyway, I am ready for it. I am ready for pride, the rainbows, crowds, fun and love!


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Advice from a friend (the short version)

This is the third post in a series… Basically its a series of ongoing ‘advice from other people about getting menatl health help.’

First: Advice from a doctor

Second: Advice from a friend

and now… That same friend wanted to give some more concise advice (since she is so good at writting essays and she got a bit worried that people wouldn’t read to the bottom.)

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Advice from a friend (who has been there and done that)

About two weeks ago I wrote a blog post adressing the world famous phycologist question: what do you want to get out of therapy?

Well, the truth is I didn’t know, but I asked a doctor. This post seemed to be very popular, so now I have a follow up.

The question itself is very hard, its anxiety provocing. You feel like the ultimate idiot if you don’t have an answer, but we can also see that this question comes from a good place. The doctor just wants to figure out the best way to help you. My friend L, who has spent some time with doctors, came up with some of her own advice and thoughts on the topic:

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Dancing – wallflower styles

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“From there to …

“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”

Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

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Today is R U OK? Day.

It’s a token day, but a good one. Basically, we should pull down the barriers and talk about our shit. Talking is good because its the opposite of isolation, and it can often make our problems seem smaller or easier to deal with. I know that some people are biologically predisposed to having a mental illness. So there are some people who will still suffer a lot, but I believe that by talking and lifting the stigma on feeling crappy, then we will all be able to do a lot better and not just survive, but thrive at this thing called life.

And I have decided to share this through the medium of internet memes.

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suicide prevention or R U OK?

Its a big week for token mental health awareness days.


Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and Thursday is R U OK? Day.

These are token day, but token is definitely better than silence.

I sometimes don’t feel to good about the idea of suicide prevention. like, what right do we have to tell someone that they should be alive, when they are in a world of pain and can’t see the other side. REALLY, what right. That person’s life is that person’s life.

I went through a stage where these invasive and compulsive thought would just cycle round and round. It went along the lines of:

the world is so very hard, and there is so much pain in life. Why don’t more people commit suicide? seriously, why are so many of us surviving life and still being here? I guess there is a reason for being here…. but what is it. WHAT IS IT? I really can’t think of it… what would I tell someone if they asked me. I just don’t know. I just don’t know.!

This thought pattern of mine really worried some of my friends.

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Advice from a doctor

Seriously, this stuff comes from my friend who used to be  GP but now works in mental health.

Okay, so therapists seem to love the question “and what do you want to get out of therapy.” This question is problematic, and anxiety provoking. It leads the person to think, I better think of a good answer… what if I can’t think of a good answer straight away, what if my brain is all fuzzy and I can’t be insightful? does this mean I have failed therapy already? AND oh god, I am shit at this and I never will any better. (or maybe you suffer from many other negative thoughts.)

Basically, when a person is feeling extremerly miserable, he/she will just want to be less miserable, but with all the negative thinking, he/she may think that the answer “I just want to be less miserable.” is not a very good answer.

So, what did I do… I decided to ask a doctor, and then write about it on a blog. She said:

In the early sessions, the therapist is aiming to explore the problem. It is perfectly fine to not have a precise description of it to begin with!

The important thing is for the person seeking therapy to feel that they are able to set the pace of the discussion and not feel as though they are performing or being tested. Later on, it might be helpful to share those self-critical thoughts (e.g i’m failing at therapy, that was a shit answer) to be able to unpick them.

You can’t “fail” at therapy – a given therapy or therapist may not be a good match for you.

When we are very anxious, our brains don’t work as well. Seeing a new therapist is anxiety-provoking. It will get easier with time

Did you read that. Its impossible to fail at therapy! 🙂

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Under Presure – Its a kind of funny story.

From the movie its a kind of funny story. In my opinion, its the best movie for those days when you feel like you just can’t deal with the rest of the world.

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She keeps me Warm

This is your interlude between my ramblings about social anxiety.

Remember that song called same love… that one by Macklemore and Ryan lewis… that one that cause’s me to pull a funny face like I am about to cry whenever I hear it…

Well the lovely lady who sung the bridge/chorus thingy has finally released the expanded song. “she keeps me warm” AND ITS BEAUTIFUL!!!

This music video contains people who look like me. People who are queer! This might not seem like a big deal, but it really is. You don’t seem masculine girl-born people with short hair, men’s clothes and septum piercings portrayed as a love interest very much. In fact you don’t see it at all.

Here is to breaking down barriers and showing what real LGBTI’s look like, on screen.

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When I have min…

When I have mini panic attacks people think I am having an asthma attack and they try to help. This just makes things worse. I have tried to explain to one or two people, but they just don’t understand why I would try doing something when I know it will result in panic.

This happens all the time when I go to my boxing fitness class. Physically I can probably do 75% o the stuff, but mentally I can normally do just 50-60% of the stuff. I so desperately want to get past the mental barricades.

There is so much I want to write, but my thoughts are all so jumbled. I have so much to do, and life goes so fast.

On the flip side, you should all go and check out my friend ellie’s blog. She is a huge inspiration when it comes to having a beautiful put together blog, and being a beautiful put together person.

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Bat babies

It’s almost spring time. Which means it’s almost orphan baby season. I raised one last year, a baby bat. It was amazing and really helped me get out of my shell.
I’ll post some photos of my baby soon. But for now you have this cute Video!

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